Living Hard, or Hardly Living?

I decided to start off with a video, because I think of this song whenever I think about my life so far. Its “Burndt Jamb” by Weezer from their 2002 album “Maladroit”. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Maladroit as “very awkward, or not skillful”. That is not far from how I personally define myself. The song incorporates heavy metal riffs yet altogether remains mellow and inactive. It’s almost as if the singer is still half-asleep. For  my entire life so far, I have always felt that I wasn’t particularly good at anything. I’m okay at drawing, but I feel like I’m never good enough. I played soccer for years and never once felt that I was talented. I wake up everyday and remind myself that I still have no idea what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life. Thats usually enough to make me stay in bed for another hour or two. Needless to say, I’ve become rather well aquainted with the word “Maladroit”.

My friends like to joke about how I call myself a hopeless romantic. Between my lackluster communication skills and the fact that I can’t hold a conversation with someone who makes me nervous for more than 25 seconds, it’s a wonder I’ve dated at all. I always have these big ideas about love, as if it’s this universal mystery. Then the next moment I’m a stuttering idiot who can’t say two words to a girl I just met. Maybe if my nose was a little bigger I could be a modern Cyrano de Bergerac.

Jokes aside, my friends always tell me that all I need is a little patience. They’re absolutely right, but then again patience has never been my strong suit. The fact of the matter is that sometimes I just feel like I’m not trying hard enough, and that all I need to do is work a little harder to reach my goal. Here’s the clincher! What happens when you mix lack of progress with lack of confidence?

DING DING DING!!!

If you said FRUSTRATION then you are absolutely correct! There is nothing quite as frustrating as not knowing what you are doing wrong. Every day that I can’t move forward is another day that I’ve wasted. It sucks.

Okay now that we got the doom and gloom out the way, it’s time to think a little more positive!

I decided to restart with another song. This one reminds me how life can be. It’s “Good Day” by Tally Hall from their 2005 album “Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum”. This song is what life is all about. It’s about having fun. It’s about being with your friends. All that jazz! This song reminds of how much fun I have with the people I already have in my life. When the time is right, I’ll meet that someone. When I’m ready the path ahead of me will be clear. But why worry about tomorrow when theres so much to do today? Today I’m gonna go on an adventure, so I bid you a GOOD DAY.

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One comment

  1. Lawrence, I can relate to your lack of confidence, progress and the frustration that results from the two. In my situation, it seems that the two are connected. My lack of confidence is hampering my progression. What I always try to remember is that I am my biggest critic and by being so, I will never be confident and therefore prosper. In order to avoid this, I’ve been trying to let go and although the progression that I’ve made has been minimal, it is encouraging. Based on your optimistic outlook at the end of the post, I am most certain that your situation will soon be a thing of the past. Keep it up and good luck!

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